I'm not sure what's expected of me Should I roll over and revoke the independent strain within me? You mean to say that strength and respect ain't enough And that we're all different partitions of cloth? That can never reconcile, can never get along Like you wanna put the “solid” in solidarity But that ain't like me all wind and wuthering Wandering without an answer Should I give up now – throw around My false fag cis privilege and let that define me? And let that deny me all the while --- This ain't my boot on her throat I didn't erase her queerness – you just imagined it I'm not your enemy – that was your reductive insularity If you know me, I'm like sugar and honey But allow me my coon claws or I'll lose my patience You saw me before I did, I'd say the “P-word” But, oh I'm white, oh never mind – I guess it can't be.

The leaves and grass are thicker down this way To the point it's like plastic points prickling under palm trees And the animals ain't the same This place was 3 hours away I'm on another planet Where the sky explodes like ending And the clouds are like cotton candy and sweet The air thick, weather hot, glowing green & pink And I see more lizards Than I see bees right now And nights here ain't like peace Just a new side of disease It would be easy to be a bee A space, some work, and honey but that wouldn't make me happy 'Cuz a bee can't just be it's got to keep it's sting at the ready I ain't nasty violence And I've got a life to lead I'm sick of people dominating And neglecting what others believe

Simple solutions, rhetoric as identity Such a personal crisis is no reason to burden the burning 'Cuz if I'm to believe in anything than I can't put trust in trends Pick up any book and every person's page says something new I only really can know what I think but together, what can we do? Just to close oneself of and justify nothing but you - Since when is that fucking OK? Filled out enemy caricature empty in every sense Simplification yields dogma and danger Violence on every street gets met with violence everywhere We're the fools of history like a pie right to the face Sorry, but everything is your fucking privilege But it's still a long race you'll try to make to the floor Because there's gotta be a bulls-eye for a clear “us and them” And respectability ain't my politics anymore And I don't really care how this was meant to be Because the first step was always learn to respect “me” But it ain't a pledge that I'm gonna make

I removed me from myself And put myself in softer shoes I imagined being a slug I imagined winters in Canada And how fucking cold they must be I was all admiration And when you spoke I couldn't speak too good back I mumbled about “macho bullshit” And the virtue of “sissy crust” I had 1 million more things to say I felt like someone but what does that matter? It's more like a star shot out of my socked foot And carried me smiling back to the subway I wanted her fury that violence and fire And a smile as nice along these lines It's like she was multitudes And there's nothing I respect more than that In this divisive world of abstract roles I can't relate to them But I could relate to her And it's not always so clean and alone

I grew up during a time When widespread online accessibility Was a growing trend in American households Where little kids would go to websites without parental consent It was a place pitch black in fucking in darkness - It was a place that was separate & pure Where bullshit television and mass media appeals Couldn't touch the fucking troll group where I was when I was 13 years old And I didn't know then, I didn't even care That it was like defecting and rejecting all the garbage sold to us Fuck this noise man I broke a cycle just to be here And I knew it was something But I didn't know just what But with normality it's simply gone Now I'm alive in a moment of time Where online space no longer has a special glow The wording of subway ads and miserable banter And the total omniscience of social media It speaks to a plot of bought up & sold out Eternal September now in a harder swing than ever

My politics is shitposting The argument's against myself Strictly speaking – incomprehensible How do you decode a pile of trash? I don't think I'm here to try... So fuck your bullshit & my lies A journey of discovery begins with steps Before receding to a crawl I guess everything's gotta break someday Shit, I'd even say that helps me along But I need a fucking way to call my dad past sundown I need pavement to a stable core And all I trust is untested. All I believe is insanity.

Five days in a Mimai hotel And we ain't got nothing to show Except a mess almost left behind And some despair on our heels But I dig the air, palm trees, and leaves And this sweet land open space One I can sleep or hold hands with And taking it slow & clean in Tallahasse I fixed up this guitar Just like I need a voice for songs I can't sing Like to distract me from things with real sting I waited for the call to end Don't know what it meant at all But this is not your dream rekindling I don't want any tears Because I feel better when you shine through all this rain Five days now you have been wrecked But she's no problem now I can't teach myself what the word “gone” means But I've gone and done it anyway There's no opinion, oh never mind Flag waving sense got awfully broke Sunset, funset, I think I know now You'd rather be happy than make any sense I waited for the 11th Can't play video games forever And get rejected from pet sitting I listened for a Saturday 'Cuz if it's OK for KK than it damn well works for me But I can't make my life that easily And I wonder how long a fake can last

Fuck the spring it never lasts Summer's always 'round the corner to kick my fucking ass Always want for different weather 'cept rare days where I am happy Where we'll go outside Wander along Canal Suck down fruity freezepops and wonder: “How the hell would the world matter save for right now?” There are no answers and no noise beyond traffic Just to remind us of the closet state we're in 'Cuz you know New York is like a giant queer deception You expect special and different until all the money's dissipated Then like concrete to keep your feet in shitty ground It promises the world to you until you finally stick around But New York City abuses while the world is on display It tickles everybody's fancy while it forgets your fucking name It draws a line of chalk around your old self and makes creatures who compete For a single scrap of authenticity It's a wind we can't abate that brings us along a way Which we may like or abhor but it's a fight all the same It's a struggle to stay chill like a freezepop and be anything That can't survive intense sunlight and speak again the same But I am stuck and stagnant so let's suck this thing down fast I've got about a year left – let's not get too comfortable.

I break things – it's my natural state Like feelings, walls, and my shit life I crack myself open when things get tough End up halfway between a shotgun shell & stand-up It's 50 MPH in a residential zone And you gotta make the quick break or end up with broken bones So call it a u-turn when I don't know what I'm doing Don't worry if shit's gonna break because I got something brewin' 'Cuz if got here & I ain't quite dead yet I've got friends in low places & I'd even make the bet That they could break me out of jams or jails just the same And teach me how break the ratio when we're at the cusp to share the blame I ain't in danger & we ain't in trouble yet I may drive a bit like an anarchist but I just gotta jet ...Right outta here I go, Back to the northern hills Where my mind Just fucking snaps.

If my body should wither in this time Around the space between 21 & 22 I ask that you not Clean my legs, wash my hair Leave my heart anywhere but in the forest for all the little bugs All my friends have missed the sunshine In a sense it left years ago and has been neglecting us All this time But Miami or Brooklyn have been the blunt side of a whip Sliding across our bug bitten skin It's funny how happiness lives relative to A full fledged childhood imagination That got left off in the sand Well the ocean has risen At least once in 11 years A shovel can push right through it The question is – will you need bug spray?

It's just too bad That the state speaks strong words And civility becomes entropy It's not like I'm here to say That independence makes me better but it sure makes my life easier Was I totally off In thinking anarchy divorced from this? I didn't think it was the same old shit... I don't live life to satisfy And cover my fuck-ups with ass-kissing lies A dreamer of myself between dominoes of martyrdom I'll make myself better while everyone else wonders what they even are What contains her now If they need a change for later They need to shift pieces around until their bullshit politics treat them well Selective subjection says: “I've been honest with myself And I'm comfortable with all my walls” Rules change and bend with Time & events & if you're human You're a different form from 14 & 30 But I don't understand Laying doctrines in rock & defining “I” in absolute I don't live life to satisfy And cover my fuck-ups with ass-kissing lies A dreamer of myself between dominoes of martyrdom I'll make myself better while everyone else wonders what they even are

It's getting too tough to sing these songs 'Cuz I don't feel now like I did a year ago Where everything glowed with hot energy And I definitely don't feel like 2 years ago Where everything was so crazy new And I scribbled out of excitement And I believed in everything – like possibilities Now I believe in somethings – like you, and it, and me But I can't take a stress bomb that wants to take my fucking head And I can't be a free person until I take off all these chains But most of all I can't be happy unless you can meet me there And this isn't cute – it's a twisted fucking reality So chill out, chill out Treat this place like a sun pearl And relax, relax To the beat of traffic's heart pulsing and racing I can't drive for long Because I want our hearts intact Just so our fucking failures can destroy them And we can regroup, rebuild & fuck off again Yeah it seems like life's at a big stand still It is – we've been fooled just once of 1 million times But it's so funny how control works Sometimes it looks just like auto pilot ...but we think that we're in control So lemme let go of the wheel here – let's see the difference it makes Bend this swollen wood relation back until it finally breaks But I can't swallow a duress pill if I just makes me upset I can't handle distress when it smokes my diplomat And I really can't be happy unless you can meet me there This isn't nice & tidy – it's just a stupid cycle that I got caught in

“Nothing will be the same again” That's a mantra I repeat over & over again To explain away the shit that goes down all the time It's like a joke – to think in absolutes Like I'm absolutely lost, and have been for a while I'd even say that I'm going on three years And for at least four years before It's endless & it's almost painful The patterns of process play With blank space infesting a supposed to be full life With hot breath & long languid vowels That intone long, sad, & empty nouns But I wish they could say a fucking thing That wasn't me being self-obsessed One more time around - I could try to break cycles And on the second time around - I could try to be a better boy Three or so times around - I could try to catch a singular Moment like a firefly & keep it in my palm But moments disappear & all that we have left are objects It's not for the faint of heart To try and claim the “you” you oughta be Being so very far behind And playing out so unidealistically I'm not gonna lie that I've found the recipe Can only work towards kindness if it really works for me It may sound kinda selfish but once upon a time around I was The worst person you would ever meet

...Alone now. I am with words that betray my innocence I've got no idea What anything is or how this is here 25000 feet above the Earth And I want them to be my children Whom I could cough songs to on my chest And I'd be making a fairer due with my life In the last month I spent 45 bucks on video games From between '96 & '99 But I played each & every one of them And I'll love them like anything Now if that's nothing like growing up Then I guess such a thing just ain't for me - Eternally dumb & puerile With a slow start to life what can you expect? I'll take any little victory that I can get But when I'm fraught with failures on every fucking side Like a big break locking to end a little car ride It's been so long since anything made any sense at all And it's like nobody has their head anymore And I am not exempt I am alone with a thought that keeps me sleeping 'till 10: That I could be katamari clouds but it really all depends...

This was the tree where my old cats were buried Their stiff mortis'd bodies being covered by the dirt But I don't really live there no more I'd sooner relate to where my feet take me But if I should build a nest I'd make it really beautiful – I'd fill it with all these awesome things A halfway home from just living and responsibility I'd trash the floor 'round my bed cuz homelife has just been a drag What are sticks and twigs I collect But the ruins of every life that I have never lived? The mud is just my imagination But I'd sooner relate to a place without any tax rate Cuz I don't anything to give But I'll try my very best to not just take But to build a nest takes a little more than to build a place If I should build a home It would be my property and oh what irony That's the easiest way to get just what I need Cuz what is worse, the landlord or capital? It's the question of principle or individuality Me? I think I just want an easy way...

Sometimes I wish I could be back I high school 'Cuz it wasn't the fucking time that I could have made it Spent so much time alone & made myself so unhappy I imagine an entire rose-colored life galaxy Fading into cellophane and wrapped up into other bullshit I feel like quitting before the starting gun and moreover I feel like moving on. On and on and on and on etc. Until it's gone Sometimes I wish I could relive college Because all that ever exists is regret And – holy shit – if I can understand that I'm grown up – game set, end of story, the end. I may not be like people my age And at first glance I've flunked for my whole life But I'll be fine with just a little music & light meals To make due with nothing is what makes me happy - I'll rise above myself one day -